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Motherhood_heartbreak

 

I’ve always wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I think I knew going in that being a mom was going to be a physically tiring endeavor. However, I don’t think I was prepared for how emotionally draining it would also be and how easy it would be for me to set aside myself and prioritize my kids instead.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my three kids. They’re the best gifts God ever gave me. I also love being a mother. Motherhood, based on my experience, can be fun and is possibly the most fulfilling job ever. It has lots of good times, precious memories, proud mommy moments – all the things that we treasure.

It’s just that it’s also a roller coaster ride of emotions and oftentimes those ugly ones that drive us to cry, get depressed and go crazy are the ones that don’t get talked about often.

I say it’s emotionally draining because, as a mom, we go through so many different emotions all in one day. We think of and worry about a multitude of issues involving our children, some real and some imagined, that causes us not just headaches but heartaches as well. Elizabeth Stone got it right when she said…

Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous.

It is to decide forever to have your heart

go walking around outside your body.

It’s so true. We oftentimes try our hardest to give the best that we can to our kids and at the same time control the situation so as to protect them from the harsh realities of life. We want them to explore the world and yet try to let them do so without them getting hurt. We do what we can to protect them and in the process we forget to protect ourselves too.

The thing is, by having kids, we open up ourselves to the possibility of being hurt, ridiculed, disappointed, worried, scared, mad and heartbroken. Oftentimes, our sacrifices and efforts go unnoticed. Once in a while, like on Mother’s Day for example, we get showered with thanks and adoration for all that we do. But sometimes, we wonder, “Do they really get it?”. Do they really know how much of ourselves we give to them?

Until when should the protecting and the worrying for our kids last? When do we say stop? Does motherhood ever end?

I asked myself those questions about a week ago when my girls made their final decision to move out of our house and move in with their dad. It was an agreement that their dad and I made years ago when we first separated. We agreed that the girls will move in with him once they hit high school and now that time has come.

It was inevitable, yes. Therefore, I should have already prepared myself for this. I thought I did. But as a mother, when are we ever 100% prepared to let go of the kids we bore and took care of for years? Until the last few days I had hope that it wouldn’t push through. That the girls would make good with their earlier decision not to transfer anymore. But they changed their minds and my heart broke in a million pieces.

The logical part of me knows that this a great opportunity for them to get to know their dad and his new family. I know it would also give them a chance to enjoy the life he can give them and enjoy going to a better school too. Of course, I KNOW that. It’s the emotional part of me that finds it hard to accept and to let go.

The “mommy” part of me was fighting to hold on, always worried that my kids will not grow up the way I want them to. It also hurt to think that they chose him over me. But again, the logical part of my brain reasons out that they don’t love me any less. They did not do this out of spite. It wasn’t because they weren’t happy here. They just want this chance to be with him.What’s so bad about that, right?

No matter how logical it is though, it hurt so bad. I’ve experienced failed relationships and heartbreaks in the past but none of them compares to how much this hurts. Nothing can possibly hurt this bad.

However, I knew that if I didn’t get hold of my emotions that they will end up getting the best of me and put my relationship with my son and hubby at risk. The two of them are still here. I didn’t want to be so depressed that I forgot about them. They’re just as important. They deserve the best of me too.

I can now understand what Christina Romo meant when she said…

If there is one thing motherhood has taught me,

it is the fact that part of being a parent is experiencing heartache

and knowing that you would endure it a million times over

because your child is worth it.

And so, because I now expect to have more heartaches in the future, I resolved to have a stronger heart, one that isn’t so vulnerable that it breaks so easily. Sure I would still worry about them, sure I would still feel scared. I can still feel all those things. But at the same time, I can control what I do with those feelings. I can control myself.

I actually expected to be depressed about the situation for weeks, possibly months. But I surprised myself. It has only been a week and I’m proud to say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I stopped crying on Day 2. I made good on my promise to myself that I will not bother them with non stop text messages and calls. I was pretty chill. I AM pretty chill. I survived the first week. I can survive the next few years.

So in the end, I was able to answer my own questions. The worrying will never stop. We just learn how to deal with it, maturely. We just learn to trust the process and have faith.

Motherhood also doesn’t end. It just evolves. I’m a long distance parent now. I now have to mother my girls from afar. But only the circumstances have changed. I am still their mother. Forever and always. I’d still be their mother when they’re all grown up and have kids of their own. I just have to mother them differently then.

Letting go is not easy but we have to do so if we want our kids to live their life and for us to live our own too. We just have to toughen up and this mothering job is helping me do just that.

It is within the journey of motherhood

that a woman will discover how strong she really is. – Anonymous


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23 Comments

  1. Hi Ice, hugs to you a million times. *_* You are such a strong person and a true inspiration at that.
    Chrissy recently posted…New Year, Stronger FaithMy Profile

    1. Thanks, Chrissy. That means a lot to me. 🙂
      Janice Lim recently posted…On Motherhood and HeartachesMy Profile

  2. Hi Janice,

    Wow! That is really a tough situation. As a mom of 4 who raised my children full time, I can’t even imagine how I’ll be able to let go. I’ve realized that no matter how much we read or research, we can’t be fully be prepared to be a mother. You are so strong my dear. I’m sure your girls understand how much you love them. Hugs.
    Rozelyn recently posted…First ever Filipino Restaurant Week in NY and NJMy Profile

    1. Yes, Rozelyn, I agree that no amount of research can fully prepare us for motherhood. Sometimes we just have to wing it, don’t we? Our situation is indeed tough. I’m not so strong all the time but I try my hardest to be. 🙂
      Janice Lim recently posted…On Motherhood and HeartachesMy Profile

  3. Hi Janice,
    What a tough experience but you sure are a tougher one to brave through it. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you. Stay strong and stay chill. I’m sure your girls’ love for you can only grow more. 🙂
    Ma.Me.Mi.Mommy recently posted…Travel Photos with the Yi Action CameraMy Profile

    1. Hi Ken,

      I’m sure it is indeed hard for others to imagine but I sure appreciate those like you who take the time to try and empathize. 🙂 I will keep trying to be strong and chill. 🙂

      Thanks a lot!
      Janice Lim recently posted…On Motherhood and HeartachesMy Profile

  4. I can’t stop crying, Janice. I’m a product of a broken family. I can relate to your kids. It’s difficult for them too. Allow them to complete themselves by being with their dad. Believe in your kids. Keep them in your heart and never let go. You’ll see that someday they will come back to you. Just assure them that they have a place where they can come back to. I see my mom in you. You’re such an inspiration, a woman of strength and wisdom. Take care. Hugs…
    SJ Valdez recently posted…Review: Organic Baby WipesMy Profile

    1. Awww, SJ. Sorry to have made you cry. You and I are the same. I also grew up in a broken family so I do understand where my kids are coming from. Logically, it all makes sense to me, but as a mom it really is hard to learn to let go. But I do believe in my kids and have taken the time to let them know that our home will always be theirs too. Thanks so much for the nice words. Stop crying na. 🙂
      Janice Lim recently posted…On Motherhood and HeartachesMy Profile

  5. What a tough decision it must have been for both you and your daughters. I’m sure as you said it’s just their chance now to spend more time with their father. You’re a strong and brave woman to accept this decision. I really admire you.
    Louisa recently posted…All New SM Foodcourt at SM FairviewMy Profile

    1. Thanks, Louisa. It was really very tough to accept the decision. But in the end, I just had to do what I had to do. Sometimes we’re also left with no other choice but to be strong. 🙂
      Janice recently posted…On Motherhood and HeartachesMy Profile

  6. I hurt for you Janice, literally. I’ll pray for comfort for you and your family during this time. God bless you.
    Michelle Padrelanan recently posted…POST-EVENT THOUGHTS ON TMA HOMESCHOOL 2015 PARENTS CONFERENCEMy Profile

    1. We will need those prayers, Michelle. Thank you so much! It still hurts to think about it that’s why I choose to no longer dwell about it. It gets better every day. 🙂
      Janice recently posted…On Motherhood and HeartachesMy Profile

  7. Hugs to you momma. I know you can get through this. You are blessed and you are great mom. God bless you. I will include you in my prayers.

  8. I feel the same way, Janice. I really feel you. Most of the time, I still cry. But then I just pause, breathe and say to myself, over and over: “I can do this!” Haha!(: “This too shall pass!” You’re doing a good job, mama!(:

  9. You are a really tough mommy! Such a fighter! You have come a long way it may be a long tiring walk but the way it i see it, your mind is clear as crystal and you know very much what you are doing. Always look at the bright side of things and you’ll be fine!

  10. Awww… virtual hug from me to you! Stay strong momma!

    xoxo
    MrsMartinez
    MrsMartinez recently posted…Frozen Elsa & Anna At Hong Kong DisneylandMy Profile

  11. I’m sorry for what happened Janice. Stay strong! Everything will be okay soon! God bless you and your family 🙂
    Ruth recently posted…Comment on No Limit With Inipit: Chocolate Brownies with Inipit Custard Cake Filling in a Cone by MrsMartinezMy Profile

  12. Hugs to you Janice! I’m sure you will never regret this decision and the girls will love you more because of it. You allowed them to get to know their father much better.

  13. Alam mo we share the sentiments about people saying how great mothers are, and that we are their life’s heroes especially on mother’s day but yet, everyday I hear horror mum stories. People who would judge a mother because she breastfeeds in public, or made a stupid decision. Working mothers who’s actually having a hard time at work coz they are either judged because they are mums or their commitment questioned because they tend to choose their children first. Crazy world.

    Anyway, you are right. Your girls for sure don’t love you any less. Maybe they want to grab this opportunity to know their dad as well. And for sure they’d miss you and your hug. Sometimes, letting them go is crazy. But we just have to toughen up. Our lives as mothers are never boring. Always a roller coaster ride (hey! that’s your blog title!! hahaha!!)
    Celerhina Aubrey ★ recently posted…#TopazMommyxBobbiBrown Makeup Lessons For MomsMy Profile

  14. I have always thought of motherhood to be one of a woman’s basic instinct and that we were created to be mothers.
    juvy ann petilla recently posted…GIVEAWAY ALERTMy Profile

  15. Hi Mommy Janice. I salute you for being this strong! My son is still a year old, but as early as now I’m already worried on how to adjust or sort of “let go” (a bit) once he can already take care of himself 🙁 I’m a work at home mom, too that’s why I see him every minute of his life and I got so attached to him (like any mother does). So the future looks quite scary to me. But as you pointed out, mothers are brave beings. So I guess I can do this. Haha Cheers! 🙂
    Dulce recently posted…The importance of an Emergency Fund and how it helped my familyMy Profile

  16. […] that happened two years ago and we all had to deal with learning how to adjust to our new normal. I was heartbroken but that was the reality we had to face as a blended family. I had to learn how to mother from […]

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