Remembering My Dad on Father’s Day

I haven’t seen or talked to my Dad in about a year and a half by now. I could write a very, very, very long post about why that is but I’ll just spare you the details. Suffice it to say that my Dad and I have a very complicated relationship. It didn’t used to be that way. In fact, I was Daddy’s little girl and he was my hero. But I guess, things really do change especially when you’re dad is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That changed everything. 

I don’t like the fact that I don’t get to see my Dad and that my kids can’t get to know their grandfather anymore. My Dad hasn’t even met Ziggy yet. However, given the circumstances of our relationship, we have deemed it necessary to stay away from each other’s lives so that we can live a more peaceful life. Yup, it has been a more peaceful year and a half without him but it doesn’t change the fact that I miss him. I still wish he could get well and be “normal” (for lack of a better term). I miss his loud, boisterous laugh. I miss going out with him on food trips. I miss doing groceries with him. I miss our conversations. I even miss his penchant for making green jokes. Unfortunately, all those have been overshadowed by the painful memories of how his sickness has hurt all of us in the family. I still love him and wish that someday we could get past all the hurts and move on with a better relationship. There’s nothing wrong with hoping for something that seems impossible.

For now, I’ll just send him my love through prayers and be comforted by the thought that I have already given him what he has wanted for years – to live his life on his own terms no matter how dangerous that might be. I just hope I won’t live to regret it. And on this day, Father’s Day, I hope that somewhere in his heart, he knows that I only wish him the best and that I am just here waiting for the chance to hug him again.