My daughters are 9 and 8 years old. For years, they were used to playing with just each other when they’re at home. The only playmates they had were their cousins (who they don’t see that often) and their classmates. Though they found babies to be cute and cuddly, they never really had to deal with one on a day-to-day basis. So, when I found out I was pregnant with Ziggy, I was immediately concerned about how they will react. Oh, I knew that they were wishing to have a baby brother someday, but the fact that their dad and I are now separated and that they now have a stepdad, made the set up a bit more complicated.
Due to the not-so-traditional situation, I had to think of ways to 1) break the news to them and 2) prepare them for Ziggy’s arrival. Here are some tips that worked for us:
Keep the lines of communication open – Always.
I always tell my kids that they can talk to me and their stepdad, Kai, about whatever concerns they have. We explained the situation to them as soon as possible and tried to answer all their questions as best as we could.
Explain what their new roles will be.
Ziya has never been an older sister. Zoe, on the other hand, has experience being one to Ziya, though they are only one year apart and so I imagine it’s not really difficult for them to relate to each other. I had to explain to both of them what their new roles are as big sisters. I told them that being a big sister means that they also have to be responsible for the baby and that they have to help Mommy and Papi take care of him. Now, they already came up with specific chores to do to help out. Ziya has decided that she will read stories to Ziggy to help him sleep and watch him for me whenever I need to go to the bathroom or do something else. Zoe was tasked to learn how to change diapers. Hehehe. Kidding aside, they’ve always been responsible kids, always helping around the house with their own chores so I don’t think helping with the baby will be a problem.
Aside from that, though, I also had to explain the difference between sister and brother, half sister and half brother as well as stepsister and stepbrother. Since they already have stepsisters, from their dad’s side, they knew what “step” meant. But it became quite challenging for Ziya to understand, what “half” meant, so I had to keep on repeating it until she finally understood. But the most important thing that I explained about this is that it shouldn’t matter whether the person is a full, half or step sibling. They’re all siblings, which means they all have to love each other equally.
Explain the differences in surnames.
Since Zoe and Ziya have the same dad, obviously they have the same surname. So, when it came to deciding what to name the new baby, I had to explain why Ziggy will have a different one. This was challenging for me, as they were already expecting me to change my surname to their stepdad’s surname when we get married someday. I think Zoe didn’t really mind but Ziya did. She became a bit jealous because Ziggy and I will have the same surname and she and Zoe will be left out. I had to explain that names are just names and that it will not change the fact that we are family, that I will always be her mom no matter what and that we’ll still at least have the same middle name. I think she’s finally come to terms with that now.
Include them in all the baby preparations.
The last thing Kai and I wanted was to make the girls feel that they don’t belong in this family anymore and so we made it a point to include them in all the planning. For instance, we asked them to help us choose Ziggy’s name. We asked them to come with us to buy all the baby stuff as well as help out in fixing the nursery. This made them even more excited about Ziggy’s coming.
Update them about the growing baby.
Since they’ve never seen me with a growing belly, I really had to explain how babies grow in preparation for birth. I subscribed to Whattoexpect.com, a site that regularly sends newsletters to expecting moms with explanations on what’s happening to the baby inside the womb on a weekly basis. I’d read the newsletters to them and show them the photos, which proved to be really helpful especially for Ziya.
Take them to the OB-Gyne visits.
We don’t take them with us every time we visit my doctor but we did take them to the important ones, like the first time we went, as well as the first time we heard Ziggy’s heart beating. They found it amazing. They were especially in awe when they were watching the 3D/4D ultrasound being done because they saw Ziggy’s face, arms and legs moving. That’s also when we found out we were having a boy, which was exactly what they were praying for.
Always, always, always assure them.
What they really want from us as parents is the assurance that even if there will be an addition to the family, they will still be noticed and loved. That’s what I tell my kids all the time. I explained that taking care of Ziggy will take up a lot of my time but that I will always have time for them, to play with them and talk to them and that even though things will change, it will not be for the worst but for the better.
