I woke up today not feeling optimistic about the day ahead. I initially thought it was because the previous night did not end particularly well but I soon realized that’s not the only reason. I looked at what date it is and realized the significance of this date to me.
Four years ago, on this day, I had a miscarriage. It was supposed to be my third pregnancy and I was on my 9th week when it happened. I didn’t know yet if I was having a boy or a girl. I was, at that time, still with my hubby. To this day, I still don’t know what the cause of the miscarriage was. Maybe it was all the stress I was experiencing with work, my MBA classes, my dad and my hubby. Whatever it was, I now know that it just was not meant to be.
Though it happened a long time ago, and although I have come to accept it, I am forever left traumatized by the experience. I will never forget the pain, both emotional and physical. I will never forget the details of what happened. I will never forget the feeling of loss. Now that I’m pregnant again and about to give birth within this month, it just feels a bit weird. Old fears are starting to resurface. Maybe at the back of my mind, I fear that it will happen again. I pray to God that it won’t. This new baby, Ziggy, will never replace the one that I lost. He or she will always be my angel. I’m just grateful to be given a chance again to bring another life into this world. Now all I can do is pray that the rest of the pregnancy and the delivery will go smoothly and that soon I’ll have a healthy, normal, happy baby Ziggy in my arms.
