On Blended Families & The Surname Issue

When I was still pregnant with Ziggy, one of the issues that came up for my daughters involved the different surname that their baby brother is going to have. Zoe and Ziya carry their dad’s surname. Similarly, I do too, legally, since our marriage still hasn’t been annulled. However, since our separation, I’ve gone back to using my maiden name in situations wherein no legal papers or I.D.s are involved (such as signing up for a seminar or when I introduce myself to new people, etc). Of course, the girls were aware that their stepdad had a different surname as well. But they didn’t anticipate at first that the new baby will have his surname too until I explained it to them.

To be honest, it was easy to explain to them why there’s a difference. But to Ziya it was a little hard to take because at that time, she felt like the differences are a bad thing. She has always been the type who liked being like everybody else. Knowing that I will eventually carry their stepdad’s surname when we get married was an issue to her, not because she didn’t want us to get married, but because there will be three of us who will have the same surname. She felt that she and Zoe will be left out.

Of course, her feeling bad broke my heart. However, this is a reality that most, if not all, blended families have to face. What I did then to make her feel better was to say that it’s not the surname that makes us a family. I explained that no matter what our names are, we are a family because we love each other and will continue to love each other. I said that even though baby Ziggy will have a different surname, he will still be their brother. Besides, they all share the same mother and the same maiden name – my maiden name. It took some time for her to process that. But by the time Ziggy was born, it wasn’t an issue anymore. Sigh of relief on my part.

The issue we continue to face now though, is having to explain to other people why there are different surnames. I usually don’t feel compelled to explain when I don’t feel that I have to. Besides, what do people care? However, there have been some situations where I was forced to explain because it was necessary. The most recent example occurred last month when we were visiting Zoe and Ziya’s new school. We haven’t enrolled them yet that time and just wanted to look at the school and inquire. The teacher who entertained us asked me for the girls’ full names. So I told her. Afterwards, she started calling me as Mrs. Zoe-&-Ziya’s-Surname. I had to stop her there and explain that I don’t use that name anymore because of the separation and that I prefer to be called by my maiden name instead. I was concerned that my hubby (Ziggy’s dad), who was there with me, would get upset if he hears me being addressed as Mrs. Zoe-&-Ziya’s-Surname. I also didn’t want the teacher to make another mistake by referring to him as Mr. Zoe-&-Ziya’s-Surname. (Yikes!).

Thankfully, situations like the one I just mentioned don’t happen that often. It’s just awkward. Sometimes I feel like in having to explain I’m being defensive about the status of our family life. However, I found out that when most people ask, it’s because they’re just curious. Plain and simple. I have yet to encounter anyone who will attack me about this issue. I hope I never will because I don’t feel the need to defend our life to anyone. Sure, our life is not perfect or ideal. But whose life is, right? We are just a family who loves one another. Period.