I never really knew what it felt like to be totally free. I was the eldest among five kids and so I was always expected to be a certain way. People saw me as the quiet, responsible, talented one. I was shy but since I could dance and sing well, my mom would always push me to perform. Even when it was really embarrassing I did it anyway because it would make my parents proud of me. I always felt the need to please others.
When my parents separated and we were left in the care of my aunts and grandparents, the pressure of being “perfect” became greater. I was expected to always be a good role model to my siblings. I was expected to always have high grades and be active in school. At that time, my dad was also diagnosed with manic depression. That started the expectations for me to someday manage his business for him – something I never really wanted to do. Apart from that, somebody had to be appointed his legal guardian too. Naturally I was expected to be that as well. So, when the time came to choose a college course, I majored not only in Communication Arts (my choice) but also in Business Management, to prepare for the inevitable doom of managing a business I wasn’t really interested in.
After my college graduation, though, I vowed to listen to my heart and not be bothered by what people say. It didn’t happen that easily. It was difficult to handle my dad and his business because he didn’t believe he was sick and didn’t want me meddling in his affairs. To him, I was incompetent. What I had to say didn’t matter. That time, I also got pregnant and married my boyfriend of 5 years because I was worried about what other people will say if I didn’t.
I was never really happy because I never felt free to do what I wanted. I was always concerned about what people thought of me. I was afraid to speak up and fight for what I want. Finally, after two kids and 7 years of marriage, I realized that in order for me to be free to be myself, I had to let go of all the negativities in my life. I separated from my husband and let go of the responsibilities of being guardian to my dad.
Thankfully, it was then that I was able to find love again. Now I have my own dysfunctional but happy blended family of five. I love being mom to my three kids because through them I feel totally accepted as myself. In their eyes, I am beautiful even if I don’t have make up on. To them, I am the sexiest person in the world though I can’t even fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes just yet. Even if I make mistakes, they tell me it’s okay and that they still love me. They tell me I can be the next American Idol because they believe I’m a better singer than the ones they see on the show. To my kids, I am free to just be me.
That is the same kind of feeling I also get when I blog. When I write, I have the freedom to write about what I want and say anything I want. It feels good when people acknowledge my thoughts and learn from what I write. I love that I get paid to do what I love to do. Through blogging, what I say matters. With blogging, I’m free to be me.
Nicely written Janice.
Wonderful, Janice! Good luck on the contest 🙂